I started 2016 with an amazing outlook. I had so much going for me and was confident that the year would bring big life changes, positive gains, and a fresh look on the life I wanted to have.
And then, the universe laughed as I toasted my champagne and thought to itself, “Girl, better buckle your seatbelt!”
June 3 my Dad was diagnosed with Stage 3A lung cancer. I can’t say that I was surprised – after all, he’s lost a lot of weight in the past few months and seems to have aged tremendously. Additionally, he’s been a smoker for 41 years.
However, that does not make it any easier to digest. Thankfully, I was able to distract myself by focusing on paperwork and action steps to make sure he could get the treatment he needed at a bill we could afford (Read: FREE [to us anyway]).
As things with my Dad started to align and I could finally breathe a little bit, July 17 (coincidentally his birthday), B and I ended our relationship. I struggle with that phrase though, “B and I ended our relationship.” The truth is, he emotionally checked out months ago and I was holding on for dear life.
Yet, I too had emotionally checked out months ago. I wasn’t holding onto him per se, I was holding on to what we had – a home, a family (the fur kind), a life, plans, vacations, joint accounts….
After Year 2, the relationship changed pretty drastically. I had said it was just growing pains and a temporary state. But, I knew in my heart that the flame was fizzling quickly and there wasn’t any coming back from it. After all, I told one of my best friends back in March that I knew what I had to do, I just didn’t want to do it yet.
This Type-A personality is in shambles. I’m in a temporary living situation while I get my life together, and am grateful for that because I can focus on helping my Dad kick cancer’s ass. But, it’s a challenge to go from having your own home for 3+ years – your own kitchen, bedroom, bathroom – to sharing it all except a bedroom with three adults and a 7-yr old.
Am I sad? No. Yes. Sort of?
I’m sad and disappointed in myself that I didn’t leave when things were done on my end (which to be honest, was almost a full year ago). I’m sad that the lie I had spent so much time creating was so easy to dismantle. And I’m sad that I overlooked a lot of the red flags that I knew I didn’t want to be my future because I was content.
But, I’m happy. REALLY freaking happy. I feel like I’m becoming myself again. I can focus on what is important to me and what makes me happy, rather than compromising for someone else. I now have the time to make movement on my blog, on my personal website, on my future career(s), and now have the opportunity to do what I’ve always said I want to do and possibly move out of the state.
The best part is that the gate has come down on the road I’ve been down, and there really is no turning back. I’m being pushed forward in every way and I’m grateful for that. The hardest part is ripping off the Band-Aid.
I hope to be more active on this little blog, as it’s lately taken a back seat to sweeping the living room floor and tending to a relationship that was not fixable.
In other news, would it be weird if Elphie and I send our own Christmas card this year?
