Dear Cancer...

Dear Cancer,

Fuck you. 

I’d say pardon my French but at this point the last time I’m worried about is offending you.

You took him from me and that is an act I’ll ever forgive you for, or ever be OK with.

My heart hurts.

My heart hurts when I see his face in that chair, struggling to breathe. My heart hurts when I see the pain on my sisters’ faces.

My heart hurts when I see wedding photos of friends with their fathers and remind myself I’ll never have that.

You showed up at the worst time. Not that there ever really is a good time for you to arrive. You were the driving wrench in an already-weak point in my life that shattered the perfect bubble I was so comfy in.

You laughed in my face when I told everyone he was doing better. You made me look like a liar and you took him anyway.

I hate you. I mean that with my entire heart and my entire being. I hate you.

And at the same time, you taught me an incredible lesson.

You took pity on me and gave me 4 more months to make amends; to selfishly attempt to make up for lost time. It still wasn't enough time. No amount of time could have been enough though.

You taught me that life is precious and family is everything – even when they say things that leave scars on the heart.

You toughened me up a little bit. Not necessarily in a good way, but not all bad either. I did things over second half of this year that I didn't think I was capable of. I surprised myself. I did really hard things. 

I’ll never be ok with you. I’ll never like you. I’ll never thank you. And I’ll never wish you upon anyone else for as long as I shall live.

If I never hear from you again it’d be too soon.